From anxiety to calm

I was feeling as though my world were ending. Over these last days I have seen how easily our mind can rule our body.

The story goes like this:

I decided to see the GP about a ringing in my ear, so that he would refer me for a hearing test. While I was there I mentioned a discomfort I had had a few months earlier in the small bone joining the rib to the sternum, and asked him to order a scan of the area around the liver, pancreas, gallbladder and bile ducts.

I thought it was fine to ask for that, but what happened was that a panic came over me which I could barely control. My mind began to work against me and I could not steady it; it filled me with the worst thoughts, and they had a reason: my husband had died two years earlier of a cancer found far too late in that same area.

I began to act without much sense. All of a sudden I made myself a smoothie that was not the best (I could not judge the quantities) and felt full all day; I had a vegan lunch, I wanted to give up meat all at once, and although I was already heading that way, the truth is I was behaving oddly.

But the point is how striking it was to see myself and be unable to do anything for myself. I watched this great fear stand before me like a giant and make me look and feel small, very small, without strength, insignificant.

I was going through an attack of anxiety, a panic attack that was consuming me. In just five days I thought I was going to die; I became the lead of the film “My Life Without Me”. It was truly awful. As the days passed, by the second word about it I was already in tears. I lost my appetite; I was afraid to eat anything that was not “healthy” in case I fed the terrible cancer I had been diagnosed with — yes, that is what I imagined. I put my father's and my husband's illnesses onto myself; I began to feel pains everywhere, above all on my right side, where the hardest organs to treat are. Suddenly I was surrounded by a thousand YouTube videos about detoxing my liver, my pancreas and my bile ducts, and I began to blame myself for not being vegetarian and not doing more yoga. Believe me, none of this was getting better.

Fortunately, my curiosity in life has led me to know and practise certain tools of self-knowledge and self-healing, and it is those that, through everything, keep me standing and have let my children live happily each day, in love.

But even so, this fear, this panic, was getting the better of me, and I had already recognised it. So I decided to start telling those closest to me what was happening: my doubts, my fears and my decisions, which changed by the second. I had one thing in my favour, a thread I was still holding before falling into the abyss: the steady Tatiana who had faced many fears and very hard times. So besides telling people what I was feeling and how I was feeling, I began my routines of relaxation and healing again (Louise Hay), I kept going to the gym and paid close attention to what and how much I was eating, I did yoga, I used my anti-stress remedy and put a few drops of palmarosa in my diffuser. I tried not to let ideas take hold in my head; deep down I knew I was not the small being the “great fear” was telling me I was, so I called on every tool I had. I held on to the muddy mountain with my fingernails so as not to fall, so as to come through and get past that attack of anxiety.

But how did I do it?

By trusting

I decided to trust those closest to me. I was careful, because I did not think it was good to talk about this freely with everyone: I would have received far too much information, too many opinions and tragic stories that would not have helped me at all. I also chose not to tell some people close to me, because I would probably have worried them more than necessary. So I simply let things happen, but I trusted. I trusted their words, their hugs, their eyes and above all the love they were giving me through them. In one of those conversations, one of them repeated back to me what I already knew and had in fact said to them before — but when you are in up to your neck you no longer see or understand anything. Everything was very confusing for me. Thanks to those conversations the weight began to lift, but there was still more to do.

By acting

I knew what was happening to me: I was having an attack of anxiety. I knew what I wanted: to feel well, in good spirits, hopeful. I did what I had done at the start, use YouTube, but this time to look for tools that would help me feel better. In that search I came across a couple of videos on handling anxiety by Enrique Villanueva, in my view a fine guide. And indeed, even though I had only managed a herbal tea because I had no appetite, I went to the gym, determined not to push myself too hard but determined to leave the house and not give in. While I was there I watched his video “4 steps for handling anxiety”, and it was a revelation: it confirmed things I already knew, it shook me, and when I left the gym I went straight somewhere I could have a good bowl of breakfast broth.

What happened? Little by little I watched that great monster, that giant, become smaller and smaller, while I became bigger. I managed to face it, to take the bull by the horns, resolved, with the trembling, the stomach ache and all the rest. I decided to face that fear. Do you frighten me? I am not going to run so that you can chase me for the rest of my days. Do you frighten me? I am walking towards you!

By seeking advice

I had already lifted my spirits and changed my attitude, though this is second-by-second work: the mind is always watching for the gaps through which it can slip back into the worst. To keep moving forward I decided to make an appointment with a friend who is a doctor in both conventional and complementary medicine and works with several therapies. For my own peace of mind it was still necessary to see a specialist and to pay attention to what was happening to me emotionally, so it felt right.

By doing the work

I carefully kept up the steps Enrique Villanueva suggests, the relaxation from Louise Hay, using my essences, breathing — how important it is to breathe, something we do all the time and often do not know how to use for our own good. I did what rang true for me, what I knew brought me calm, what had helped me at other times and for other purposes. I did it resolved not to let myself fall into the abyss.

Tatiana Sedano